Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Flash Mob!

I want to be part of a flash mob. If you're planning one, will you please invite me? I can sing and dance OK, but what I lack in talent I make up in attitude.

P.S. Happy End of NaBloPoMo! I did it!

Monday, November 29, 2010


This is what an elbow to the mammaries looks like:

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Give Back

If you are able, may I suggest you participate in some sort of "giving tree" program in your community this Christmas? As a child, I remember carefully selecting a name from the tree at K-Mart or WalMart...usually a girl about my age...or a new mom on the Birthright tree. It continues to be a tradition for my family...a tangible lesson in serving the less fortunate and being very, very thankful for the many blessings in my life.

Saturday, November 27, 2010


'Tis the season to receive oodles and oodles of unwanted catalogs. Today I received PajamaGram's catalog. Based on the misspelling of my name, my friends at Eddie Bauer kindly shared my name and address.I've heard of PajamaGram (especially as a last minute gift idea)...they'll overnight a cute pajama set to your lucky recipient. Or, if your family is in to it, you can purchase matching holiday-themed pajamas for the clan. Presumably, this makes for excellent photo opportunities on Christmas morning; though, interestingly, none of the adults has Crazy Hair and none of the kiddos have Paci Mouth.

PajamaGram simultaneously horrifies and delights me.

The horrifying:



The delightful:

It has gloves!

(sadly, they make these in family sets as well...that can't be flattering for anyone over 6)

Do you have a favorite?

Friday, November 26, 2010

Santa's Workshop

I'm jazzing up a table for Callum's Christmas present.

I think I can handle double-sided tape. Table should arrive next week; I still need to order the fabric. I couldn't buy the table from Ikea directly, but it appears someone near Chicago re-sells it through eBay.


I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Thanksgiving Letter

This went viral last year, and it's most definitely worth revisiting this year.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Dear Blank Please Blank

This website is Kind of a Hoot. Thought I'd publish a few of my own.

Dear Jeggings,
Ummm...no thank you.
Sincerely, The Pear-shaped Girl

Dear Person Behind Me,
Sorry about those Walking Farts.
Sincerely, Gassy

Dear All-Christmas Radio Station and Fine Retailers Everywhere,
What about me??
Sincerely, Thanksgiving

Dear Cold North Wind,
You blow. Hard.
Sincerely, Frozen Nose

Dear Black Friday,
I'd rather gnaw off my left arm than shop in a store.
Sincerely, Kimmygoat

Dear Sandra Boynton,
We want to be your Personal Penguin.
Sincerely, Toddlers of the World

Dear Bo,
Could you order a triple venti nonfat latte from Starbucks? We'll buy.
Sincerely, ABC and Ed Cunningham

Dear Spanx,
Sincerely, Cellulite

Dear God,
Are you there?
Sincerely, Margaret

Dear Pumpkin Pie,
Get in here. NOW.
Sincerely, MAH BELLAY

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

On the Walls...

Another NaBloPoMo Twitter writing prompt:

What's on your wall: prints, posters, photos, paintings? What makes you want to hang something up?

This is easy. Practically nothing and nothing.

Dining room: beautiful sketch of the Konza we received as a wedding present that serves as the inspiration for the rest of the room.

Our bedroom: wedding picture...and we just recently noticed how freaking young we look in it. Parenting has aged us.

Callum's bedroom: his first stock certificate - one share of Starbucks (remember when we called him Starbuck?!).

Chris's office: various and sundry Huskerabilia.

I purchased two prints a few weeks ago to hang in our living room. I expect to donate them to Goodwill sometime in 2014. I struggle with "accessorizing" our home; primarily because I hate clutter. Also: I hate poking holes in the wall.

Monday, November 22, 2010

What I'm Wearing

From NaBloPoMo's Twitter Feed...another writing prompt (yay!):

Tell us about what you're wearing today. Where'd you get your shoes? How long have you had that tie? Is that your grandmother's watch?

White cotton gold toe socks purchased at JCPenney's on December 26, 2007. They are not as cushy as they once were, though they are much cushier than the emergency socks I purchased on our mini-vacation (I forgot to pack socks...which is kind of a problem when you're a germophobe with a hotel reservation).

My most favorite yoga pants EVAH! I have three pairs - 2 black and 1 gray - and I'm wearing the gray tonight. Another superfantastic JCPenney's find. I would wear them to work if I could get away with it.

Hanes Low Rise Briefs: Let it be known that when I find an article of clothing I like, I usually buy it in several colors. These fantastic panties can be found at TarJay and The Walmarts. I think I own 12 pair, though in my defense, they are sold in packs of 3. I'm presently wearing a fine shade of peacock blue. I'm always a bit leery of wearing the bright orange...as though my fat ass needs any help at all drawing attention to itself. Am glad to have solved this underwear quandary.

White, boring, long-sleeved Husker tshirt that began pilling way before its time...bedazzled with a green booger of unknown origin. I'm blaming Callum.

Lavender Columbia fleece jacket found on the Kohl's clearance rack for a measly $13. If fleece had been invented (?) when I was a college student, I can't imagine that I would have worn anything else.

Bra from TarJay. Fits much better than the high priced ones I bought at Von Maur.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Random Bullet Points...AGAIN

Once again, that flashing cursor taunts me.
  • Oh the DRAMZ of Husker football! Unsubstantiated rumors abound, thanks in part to Facebook and Twitter. GET A LIFE!
  • I've been feeding at the trough ALL DAY LONG. At first, I was disappointed with myself, but now I realize I'm just conditioning myself for the holidays.
  • I'm in charge of the pumpkin pie for Thursday's feast with Chris's family. Mrs. Smith: please don't let me down.
  • Does anyone actually sleep in a nightgown anymore? I hate them. They get twisted around your legs, and the lower half of your body gets cold because the gown part inevitably gets hiked up around your butt.
  • Anyone else looking forward to a three-day week?

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Simultaneously Funny AND Lame

Things that are always ALWAYS funny:

1. Poop.

2. Kids wearing adult sunglasses.

And there's your gratuitous kid picture in lieu of actual post. Sorry, NaBloPoMo, quantity over quality, right?

It's Saturday night. The Huskers are on, and I'm thinking about starting a drinking game whereby the participants take a drink every time Bo Pelini appears to say the F word on the teevee. If we'd have started at kickoff, we'd be very VERY drunk right now.

Friday, November 19, 2010


I love donuts.
I love Chris for bringing me donuts for lunch at work.
My pants do not love donuts.
People walking behind me seeing my ass in those pants do not love donuts.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

What Others Are Saying...

NaBloPoMo's Twitter prompt of the day: Link to three posts that you've loved this month written by other people, and tell us why. Well, here goes:

Jennifer at Playgroups are No Place for Children
I don't know Jennifer from Adam and only recently started following her blog. But today's post? Yeah, that hit home. I remember that anxiety well...it made it very, very hard to relax...constantly anticipating an unpredictable baby's needs while trying to physically recover from childbirth...when all I wanted to do was sleep...and it was SO SO SO hard to relax...all consuming and overwhelming and I was WAY too hard on myself...I just want to give sad Kimmygoat a hug and hand her a glass of wine and assure her that will, in fact, be OK...actually...WAY BETTER than OK...

Emily at Something Shiny!
We too generate one bag of garbage a week. I didn't realize this was weird. We recycle plastics 1-5, cardboard, office paper, glass, tin cans, newspaper, and plastic bags. We also compost (and I am accepting recommendations for how to store that muck in your house because it smells like rotten drunk vomit), use reusable bags at the grocery store (if I can remember them). We cloth diaper. We're environmentally conscious...and not perfect by any stretch.

Alice at Finslippy
The crown jewel of Callum's night-night routine is reading a book. He's starting to recognize characters (Sam-I-Am, Willie the Wildcat, the Bunny in Goodnight Moon, Herbie Husker, etc), and he enjoys books while playing (and will often plop down in your lap and expect you to read whatever book he's brought with him). We are big fans of all Sandra Boynton books, Dr. Seuss (especially Dr. Seuss's ABC, Green Eggs and Ham, and One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish), Goodnight Moon, and whatever else happens to be lying around. I can't wait to check out some of these new recommendations at the library, especially after we randomly chose some weird fairy tales (UGH).

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Actual email I received from one of Callum's teachers:

Just wanted to give you the heads up that Melissa was putting all the girls hair in pony tails and Callum came over and kept patting the top of the head so he has one too :)

If it bothers you we won't do it, but we don't want to make him feel left out :)

I assured her it was OK with me! Unfortunately, his ponytail didn't last all day, and by the time he arrived home, it was sorta mohawkish on top.

This isn't his first at-school ponytail.

A few weeks ago, we celebrated "silly week," and that Monday was "crazy hair day." One of Callum's teachers gave the girls silly ponytails, and Callum wanted one too (think unicorn horn). They knew (correctly) I wouldn't mind and were quite surprised when Chris picked up Callum that night!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Stop Looking At Me!

Dammit. This NaBloMoPo is HARD. I don't have much in the way of original non-TMI thoughts. Instead, I will further embarrass myself:

Spring 1991
7th grade

The hair: HOLY BEJEEZUS. Those bangs! That spiral perm! My hair is naturally straight and very fine. No wonder my first driver's license indicated a height of 5'6".

The shirt: Likely purchased at either Maurices or Brass Buckle. Anyone else remember the sweater cardigans and matching mock turtlenecks with the weird embroidered crest in the middle that you could buy from Maurices?

The arm: Broken in an unfortunate basketball accident when SOME BITCH TRIPPED ME as I was running down the floor. I remember throwing up on the flagpole outside Eisenhower School. That broken arm prevented me from participating in track that spring (shut up - I was a fast runner). This picture might have been taken a couple days after the accident, so perhaps my droll expression is more real pain and discomfort and less teen angst. When my cast was removed, we discovered a band aid in there that had been protecting a floor burn. NASTY.

The jeans: Tight-rolled. Crime against humanity. Are You There God? It's Me, Kimmygoat. Of all the stupid trends I rocked in my youth, please don't let this one come back. EVER.

The socks: I cannot remember the last time I wore non-neutral cotton socks in public. The mauve, of course, coordinated perfectly with my collar and shirt pocket.

The shoes: Eastland boat shoes with the shoelaces curly-Q'd around themselves. Tough look when you have super-narrow feet, but NO ONE actually TIED their shoes. GAWD. [eyeroll]

Monday, November 15, 2010

A Few of My Favorite Blogs...

Stuff I love:
U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission - recalls and product safety news (I have mine customized for children's products)

People I know in real life:

What else should I be reading?

Sunday, November 14, 2010

We Love Lincoln Children's Museum!

We are so fortunate to live in a community with an excellent children's museum! Callum took his grandparents there this weekend and had a blast!

Look at that smile! He loves driving the fire truck!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Oyez, Oyez, Recruits!

Chris and I just returned home from a cold and thankfully short Husker football game. To stay warm longer, we agreed to watch the players depart the locker room for the Tunnel Walk rather than proceed directly to our seats.

I highly recommend this experience...especially with an 8-year-old (doesn't have to be YOUR 8-year-old) standing next to you. We recommend lining up while the team is still warming up on the field; that way, you see them twice. If you're a kid, the football players (including starters Ben Cotton, Brandon Kinnie, and even T-Magic himself) will make a special effort to come over and give you a high five.

They definitely don't go out of their way for 32-year-old moms.

Also, you should bring a camera.

We were entertained by the security guard in charge of the locker room entrance. A woman in her 50s with a big purse; she controlled the foot traffic across the Tunnel Walk path. And then, she announced out loud as groups of people officially left the locker room.



Thankfully, she got out of the way before the team came out. She deserves a Blackshirt for her passion and enthusiasm for protecting the locker room entrance.

Friday, November 12, 2010


That is all. My brain is fried.

It's been a long, long week, and I'm *THRILLED* to see it come to an end!
I am, however, not thrilled about the cold November rain .

Happy weekend!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

How You Got Here: Callum's Birth Story...way after the fact

This post has been brewing for, well, 18 months and 9 days. I love reading others' birth stories; a great paradox of universal and unique. I have started writing Callum's birth story so many times...and I never get very far. And yet, not a day goes by where I don't think about it (of course, when the people around you seem to be having babies at the rate of 1 or 2 a month...). So here goes:

At 41 weeks, my doctor and I decided it was time to induce, and Chris and I were scheduled to arrive at the hospital at 8pm on Saturday, May 2. On Friday night, we ate our last supper at The Oven (ahhh...India!) and made a list of what we could do all day Saturday to pass the time.

"Have a baby" did not make the list.

I awoke at exactly 2am with my first contraction. They were 10 minutes apart; I woke Chris after an hour. He helped me time them...with a stopwatch. The accuracy and precision with which he announced the contractions was endearing and infuriating: "That one lasted 1 minute, 14 seconds, and they were 7 minutes, 33.5 seconds apart!" I was especially annoyed by the beep that would stop the timer and gently suggested a regular silent watch would probably be sufficient for the doctor. Chris also began taking excruciatingly comprehensive written labor notes...which are still lying on my nightstand.

I took a long hot shower - mostly because I reeked of Indian food.

Unlike what we learned in our Lamaze class, those early contractions HURT. A LOT. There was nothing "gentle" or "rolling" or "gradual" about it; these were BANG! like a gong...and then they'd peter out...and then BANG! again. By 5:30am, we met my doctor's criteria for going to the hospital.

It seemed much too soon for a first time mom.

I was dilated to 1.5cm on arrival. They hooked me up to the fetal monitor and made me lie/sit in bed...which is NOT a comfortable position for labor! At 8:30am and 3cm, I requested an epidural. My logic: if it had taken this much effort to get to 3cm, there was no way I'd have the energy to see it through.

The epidural was...weird. I kept announcing my contractions to the room; otherwise, I was convinced the anesthesiologist would render me a quadriplegic. The epidural definitely eased the pain, and I was surprised I could still feel the contractions. It also rendered me a complete boob; I spent the rest of the day in a haze.

At some point in the morning, one of the nurses (I seemed to get a new one every few hours) told us Callum was posterior (e.g. facing up instead of down). This fact never registered with me; no wonder I had such unrelenting back labor from the get-go!

They would turn me every so often - at the time I thought it had to do with Callum's cord being pinched somewhere; more likely, they were probably trying to get him to rotate. I felt like a rotisserie chicken. Chris and I watched the Battlestar Galactica pilot and chatted with the nurses as they came in. I might have dozed.

My labor stalled at 4cm so they gave me pitocin...which Callum didn't like so much. I didn't either.

At 12:30, the doctor broke my water and placed an IUPC on Callum's head to better measure the effect of my contractions. We watched more TV. I dozed a bit.

At 4:11pm, I began pushing. If I was in a haze before; pushing was like roaming some other planet. After two hours, they called my doctor in. He informed us he'd have to use forceps to deliver Callum...and that there would be some, ahem, tearing. (Sorry, TMI.)

And I honestly did not give a shit. (That was earlier in the story. Sorry, TMI again.)

My brain started working again, and I remember most of Callum's birth with incredible clarity. Chris asked the doctor about using the vacuum; the doctor said no, he only uses forceps, and that the only other alternative was to wheel me down the hall for a C-section.

I consented to the forceps, and then he yanked Callum out at 6:19pm.

And they placed him on my chest. Sweet, sweet relief!

We cried and marveled at how tiny he was. The doctor asked us his name...and I think that's truly when we decided on "Callum." Chris said it aloud first. This baby had red hair, and well, he looked like a Callum.

They took him to be weighed and measured...and I got a looksy at the needle the doctor was using to sew me back together. And that image is forever burned in my mind.

I heard the nurses call out "8" and "9" which I assumed to be Apgar scores. I heard the doctor tell the nurses to note that Callum was "asynclitic occiput posterior." How the hell I managed to commit that phrase to memory and understand what it meant...I'll never know...but I gathered it was something nurse trainees don't get to see very often.

Callum's birth was not gentle or peaceful or fun, and according to my lactation consultant, the "trauma" might be one of the main reasons we never got the hang of nursing. Despite my not-so-great-experience, those 16 miserable hours in no way define my relationship with Callum. He is my joy! I grew him...IN MY BODY! That is amazing!

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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Blonde Ambition

My final dance recital, May 1994.
Madonna was Kind of a Big Deal back then...before she started calling herself Madge and speaking with some vaguely British accent. I wasn't a terribly gifted dancer (tap was my thing, but tap isn't nearly as cool as jazz when you're 15), but I could usually sell it with crazy eyes and a smile.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Ode to a Headband

Terrycloth! Plastic!
Goody rubbery nubbins!
I love my headbands!

Keep my hair in place
Or rather, out of my face
Sexy? No, they ain't.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Pants Rant

Dear Dillards, JCPenney, Eddie Bauer, and other fine retail apparel establishments:

Stop frakking around with your pants and invest in some quality control measures! If you sell the same pair of pants in both black and brown, WHY does only one of those colors fit me? Why don't they both fit? Why are they 2 very different lengths? In the last six months, each of you has thwarted my efforts and buying reasonably-priced work pants and jeans. If I find a pair of pants I like, chances are very high I will purchase it in almost every color you sell. Except, by "same pant" you usually mean "also has two leg holes."

And by the way, since when did "average" or "regular" length require 4" heels to avoid hemming? I've had to resort to ANKLE LENGTH, WHICH, UNFORTUNATELY, IS TOO SHORT FOR ME TO WEAR ANYTHING BUT FRUMPY FLATS BECAUSE I AM TIRED OF GETTING MY PANTS HEMMED MULTIPLE TIMES BECAUSE I CAN'T MEASURE THE INSEAM WORTH A DAMN !!!!!!!!!!1111111111111!!!!;AKHJAL8poiahdl;auiyow3ehauif9jbhklasdn

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Daylight Savings Should be Banned

That is all.

My eating and sleeping habits are all messed up. So are Callum's. Chris claims he has rhythm, but I know better.

Here's hoping all the clocks at work are adjusted before I arrive. Remember in school when it would take a few days for all of the classroom clocks to be adjusted? Torture...especially at the end of the day when you were STILL IN SCHOOL after 4pm.


Saturday, November 6, 2010

Thanks, Sara!

Thanks to my real-life friend Sara (What? She's not in your Google Reader? Why the hell not?) for saving me a boatload of $$ at (The?) Gap this afternoon! I got 40% off my purchase PLUS a super-nice cashier who rang me up twice in order to take advantage of my nearly-expired Groupon!

Yay me!

And, thanks to Chris for letting me take a rather impromptu trip to a real (The?) Gap in Omaha while he stayed home with a napping Callum...who woke up during halftime of the most stressful Husker football game of the season. Here's hoping Callum's next word isn't "shit."

He's certainly never heard ME say that.

Friday, November 5, 2010

I Wasn't Always a Bitter Teen

My thighs, however, have always been that chunky.

Now how about some random bullet points for a Friday night?!?!
  1. I have an unintentional soul patch growing near my ankle. I've always wondered how long my leg hair would grow if I just let it go. And now I know. I'm oddly proud of it.
  2. Tonight is the first official night we'll be sleeping on flannel sheets! I am so excited! I'd use them all year if I Chris would let me.
  3. One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish is my newest earworm. Every morning in the shower I find myself reciting it. I have the first 20 pages memorized.
  4. On most days, I start craving my headband and yoga pants by 10am.
  5. I have not painted my fingernails since before Callum was born, and I have the shredded cuticles to show for it. I have this (irrational?) fear that it will chip off and end up in his mouth.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Mother of the Year

You know what else prevents little boys from sleeping through the night?

An ear infection. OR TWO.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Teen Angst

Can't you just feel the angst and awkwardness? Every picture of me from this vacation features some version of this face.

Family vacation in southwest Colorado, 1992
Summer before I started high school

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Dead Man in a Coma

For no particular reason this morning, I was reminded of Dead Man in a Coma.

Have I not told you about Dead Man in a Coma? OMGWTFBBQ!?!!1

It was a series of late-1980s theatrical variety shows produced and performed exclusively by my cousins Andrea and Beth and me. Whenever the three of us would get together, we'd perform some sort of show for the rest of the family. It probably didn't help that we were in dance together and would often perform incomplete dance routines for our captive audience. We also incorporated humorous (to us and only us) skits and songs complete with costumes, props, etc, etc. We might have charged admission once or twice, and at least one routine featured fireworks.

Our best and most memorable number was Dead Man in a Coma. I believe it was a duet I performed with Beth, and it included a jaunty stomp with our tap shoes on my aunt's hardwood floor. I remember very little about the song's genesis. I think Beth was singing at song at school about a lotus flower, and we adapted the melody to fit Dead Man in a Coma.

Dead Man in a Coma
tap tap tap tap tap tap

I don't remember a group leaf fall being part of the performance, but nonetheless, here's a photo of us at the height of the Dead Man in a Coma phenomenon (circa 1988):

Falling in to that giant pile of leaves - quite fun, indeed!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Nighttime Antics...

...that aren't so funny between the hours of 1am and 4am, even when performed by an adorable little redheaded boy:

lying very, very still in the dark with eyes wide open
playing the tambourine
farting aloud
random rounds of enthusiastic applause
flicking door stops (boyoyoyoyoying)
feigning sleep
waving byebye
pointing at the ceiling fan
banging on doors

I am not a nice person between midnight and 6am.

The floor in Callum's room is uncomfortable.

I discovered a new set of wrinkles in my forehead at 4:15 this morning.

Chris and I were able to overcome our grumpiness at 7:15am to waken Callum; we might have been a bit too exuberant in welcoming the new day .

I checked out The No-Cry Sleep Solution from the library over my lunch hour and ordered the toddler version through PaperBackSwap (which, apparently sensing my desperation, the owner mailed within 1 hour of my order).

Good night!